MADONNA: Our Greatest Living Woman.

So last night, I plopped my rain-soaked hide down in Madison Square Garden to see Madonna's Confessions tour. This was the Queen Bitch's second night in NY, and apparently her first had been besmirched with tech problems. All of those were gone for Night 2, but what remained was the Gray Lady's insistence that all air conditioning be shut off, for the benefit of her vocal chords. I can tell you this: It was hot. It was VERY hot. Below, I'll run through the show, number-by-number, and along with a summary of each song, I'll include my body temperature and I'll rate myself on my level of dancy-ness (10 being on fire with glitter and passion, 1 being Stephen Hawking).

FUTURE LOVERS/I FEEL LOVE
Much has been made of Madonna's entrance, where she emerges from a disco ball, but nothing could prepare me for the sheer spectacle of it. She did this pose when she launched into "Future Loves rise...." where she jutted her rib cage out, like she was a topless mermaid on the front of a ship. Pure Star Magic. Also, her "I Feel Love" vocals were suspiciously excellent. Thanks, back-up singers!
Body Temp: 98 degrees (and rising)
Dancyness: 8/10

GET TOGETHER

I'm not sure I recall the specifics of this number, so fazed was I still by her entrance, but the dancers went buck wild with this one. And by "buck wild," I mean that they got ridden like S&M horses. By Madonna. We should all be so buck wild.

Body Temp: 98.9

Dancyness: A steady 8/10

LIKE A VIRGIN
"I made it through the wilderness..." It cuts me like a motherfucking knife.
Body Temp: 101 degrees
Dancyness: 10/10

JUMP

I mama-effin' love this song! And I did jump! As I recall, there was a lot of red during this. Or maybe that was just sweat in my eyes.

Body Temp: 105

Dancyness: 9.9999999999/10

LIVE TO TELL
Aaaaahhh, the most divisive song. So, Madgey is up on her much-ballyhooed glitter crucifix (crown o' thorns and all), and her graphic is something like "12 million children orphaned by AIDS in Africa." To my left, Oldest Friend, Oldest Friend's Younger Brother, and Fattest Friend all roll their eyes and snicker. To be right, Freak-Dancing Coworkers offer a proper, respectful observance. I join them. Liberal guilt works on me every time.
Body Temp: 109
Dancyness: n/a

ISAAC

She really is a Jew now, you know. She deserves mad extra credit for actually using a ram's horn onstage.

Body Temp: Cooling down to 105

Dancyness: 6/10

SORRY
... and the crowd goes wild. (I believe that this is when I took my shirt off, btw.)
Body Temp: 125
Dancyness: 37/10

LIKE IT OR NOT

I really like this song. It's a favorite for the gym, which is probably due to its defiant, swaggery beat. And swagger Madge did! This was her strutting parade.

Body Temp: 130

Dancyness: 10/10

I LOVE NEW YORK
Cartoon cityscape on the backdrop, Madonna rises wearing tight black pants, boots, a leather-esque glam rock blazer with a feathered color turned up. Clearly, I had no right to complain about being hot. (Personal fave Madonna quote: "Dance, motherfuckers! I wrote this song for you!")
Body Temp: 175
Dancyness: 10/10

RAY OF LIGHT

The trippy, we're-traveling-through-space-oh-my-god light effects kick into high gear. And so does my tittyshaking.

Body Temp: 200. Even.

Dancyness: 1,000/10

LET IT WILL BE

I'm not sure that this is one of my faves of hers, but she put her ass into it, no doubt. She was down front & center on that catwalk, and she/herself/Madonna was dancing like a retard on fire. Literally, she was amaaaaaazingly kick-ass and in charge.

Body Temp: 180

Dancyness: 9/10

SUBSTITUTE FOR LOVE

This is a ballad. And she sang it just sitting on some steps, wiping the hair out of her fave. So why was it so arresting? Nostalgia for "Ray of Light" (which is totes her best album)? Probably. I was sooooo with this number. Also, I can apparently turn any ballad into an excuse to slap my ass.

Body Temp: 180

Dancyness: 10/10

PARADISE (NOT FOR ME)

This was the juncture where everyone was supposed to sit, cool down (as well as anyone could in there) and recuperate. But, perhaps to my detriment, I kept swaying, singing, and shimmying with Freak-Dancing Coworkers.

Body Temp: 160

Dancyess: 7/10

MASH-UP: DISCO INFERNO & MUSIC

Oh, dear jesus. It starts. I would venture to say that for the last 20 minutes of the show, they actually put the heat on. Truly, it was staggering. OK, so "Music" meets "Disco Inferno," the dancers come out on roller skates, and Madonna rises from the stage in a Travolta-themed disco suit. I didn't even know that I had so much volume in me.

Body Temp: 900

Dancyness: 500,000/10

EROTICA

The suit comes off, revealing an ABBA bodysuit. Her "put your hands all over my body" moves nearly brings me to tears. [Note: This description is set in the present tense, because I can still see it so clearly.]

Body Temp: 1,000

Dancyness: 500,001/10

LA ISLA BONITA

Best described by Oldest Friend's Younger Brother as Madonna's attempt to cast herself in "Sarafina!" This is, I hope obviously, meant as a compliment.

Body Temp: 20,000

Dancyness: 1,000,000/10

LUCKY STAR

OK. OK. I'll try very hard not to spin out of control in talking about this number, but... I find it very hard. I truly, deeply love this song. And she sang it. Madonna sang it. Just for me. IN A CAPE!!!!!!!!!!! (ahem) I'm sorry. Sorry. It's just... Ugh. Uuummm. This was amazing. I will remember this for a veeeeeery long time.

Body Temp: A trillion

Dancyness: (see above)

HUNG UP

The finale. She rises. Purple bomber jacket. Leggings. HUGE aviator sunglasses. She teaches 20,000 New Yorkers to sing/rap/scream "Time goes by. So slowly." Golden balloons fall from the ceiling. The world is made of love and a thousand colorful lights.

Body Temp: n/a (My heart had stopped)

Dancyness: [insert one of those squiggly symbols for Infinity here]

Jiminy Kick-it!

During many summertime evenings, hundreds of "young professionals" in the District put on brightly colored t-shirts and gather in front of monuments and museums to keep alive a cherished childhood pastime: kickball. Sure, when you were in grade school the game probably wasn't sponsered by a bar;( and there defintely was no spiked jello as a refreshment) but we still play with big red playground balls. As a bonus, when you're a grownup, no one cares if you have absolutely no athletic ability whatsoever. Especially if you bring the jello. If you play your cards right, you may even get a celebratory lap dance at the bar after the game... (Hey, we're 6-2!)
www.kickball.com/dcconstitution

Three Hours of Dull.

Last Night The Gayrab and I went to see Three Days of Rain. Kids, it's never a good night at the theatre when the highlight of your evening is the Chicken Parm.
Anyway, Julia Roberts-not so much. How can you be from the south and foil a southern accent?
Paul Rudd- slightly better; despite the fact that we had to overcome his Keanu Reeves in Point Break hair during the first act. (We were rewarded after intermission when the rain starts and he finally takes his damn shirt off)
And coming in from left field...Bradley Cooper.
Star of the show. I was charmed by his eleven minute monologue; the gayrab was charmed by a pair of Bass Bucs and and a blue sweater that "left nothing to the imagination". All in all, the rain effect was the highlight of the show. Le Grand Sigh.
-Lethal

This is why God invented ABC.

Yesterday was Flag Day, which is a patriotic miracle of a day for two reasons:

1. It's my anniversary with Roommate. As of yesterday, we've officially been cohabitating for three years. (I know, right? Yay for us!)

2. On this day of saluting our proud country, ABC aired the series finale of the best one-hour drama on network television, "Commander-in-Chief."

Point #2 is really what we're going to be focusing on here, because the creators of this awesome program pulled out every emotional stop for the finale, and this audience-abandoned show went out with a trumpet blast of glory. As the episode opens, we find President Mackenzie Allen (Geena Davis) re-opening a controversial political issue, following the death of a conservative Illinois senator who had blocked it in the past. Was it abortion rights? Gay marriage? Gun control? No, it was the E.R.A. Now, you can tell that this show is fiction when a sitting president finds the issue of guaranteeing- in writing- equal rights for all American women and girls to be a pressing one. I mean, let's face it, who needs to secure a better world for our daughters when there's money to be made and wars to wage, right? But Mac went on the stump for it, and as the hour-long episode ended, the E.R.A was just two states away from being ratified, with the obvious implication that it would pass, and Mac stepped out (after one killer speech/monologue... more on that in a minute) to thunderous applause from a gathered crowd.

Speaker of the House Nathan Templeton (Donald Sutherland), and a number of conservo mouthpiece characters on the show, decried the E.R.A. as uncessary, as an obsolete holdover idea from a different era. Templeton solidifed his hyper-right position, and declared his candidacy for the presidency, setting up a clash of the titans between Mac and he. But in their first town hall meeting on the issue, Mac calmly, with complete control, brought the issue down to the most human level... Having the first female president doesn't negate the issue, because it's not about American women who are already well-monied or opinionated or looked-after. It's about working mothers who earn 74 cents to a man's dollar, which is the current reality in America.

I have nothing but the utmost hugs for ABC, Geena Davis, and the "Commander-in-Chief" creators for sending this great series off with such a battle cry of an episode. I caught Roommate crying buckets. (I was in a red velvet cake-induced coma, so I couldn't register emotions.) I'd let my tear ducts flow if the American public would snap to and realize that a progressive, human series like this one- with a progressive, human agenda- is JUST what we need right now.

Way to go, guys. Way to go.
KEVIN :-)

Is today the best day of my life?

Coffee may cut alcohol liver damage

CHICAGO, Illinois (Reuters) -- Could Irish coffee be the perfect drink?

Researchers report that drinking coffee cuts the risk of cirrhosis of the liver from alcohol -- by 22 percent per cup each day -- but they stopped short of saying doctors should prescribe coffee for that reason.

The report from the Kaiser Permanente Medical Care Program in Oakland, California, was based on a look at data from 125,580 people.

"These data support the hypothesis that there is an ingredient in coffee that protects against cirrhosis, especially alcoholic cirrhosis," concluded the report published in the Archives of Internal Medicine.

What could cause the apparent protective effect is not clear, the report said.

"Coffee is a complex substance with many potentially biologically active ingredients," the study said. "The fact that coffee is also frequently taken with added cream, milk, sugar or other substances adds more possibilities for health effects."

Other studies with similar findings have led to speculation that caffeine could play a role. However, the protective effect was not found among tea drinkers, though the authors said they were not nearly as numerous in the study as coffee users.

The report did not suggest alcohol users increase their coffee consumption or seek out drinks like Irish coffee that combine booze with coffee.

"Even if coffee is protective, the primary approach to reduction of alcoholic cirrhosis is avoidance or cessation of heavy alcohol drinking," the researchers said.

In Praise of Beauty (WARNING: This post contains mild hyperbole)

Last night, my gorgeous, talented roommate and I celebrated her birthday (3 weeks after the fact) by going to see Kathy Griffin, easily the funniest woman on the planet Earth, who was playing live at the Nokia Theatre in Times Square. Clearly, Kathy's demographic is pretty damn gay, so I should have looked better. (My skin was blotchy, and though my new hair is KICK ASS, I just looked a little dump-ba-dump.) I should have been more in "Gotta get a boyfriend!" mode, and I should have seen it coming that this night would result in me coming face to face with the most beautiful man of all time.

OK. So Roommate and I are walking in to the lovely theatre (which I really do like v.v. much), when she squeezes my arm, and says, "Kevin. Kevin. Kevin. Kevin." I turn to my right, and there he is, descending to his Front Orchestra seats (oh, they put chairs in, btw). Project Runway Season 2 contestant DANIEL VOSOVIC. Now, it may have come up on this blog or elsewhere before, but I am in love with this man. I mean... He's amazing. I feel a literal deep, abiding affection for him, to say nothing of how spellbindingly attracted to him I am. Anyway, I could literally feel the blood drain from my body, and as we went to our seats, I def began to hyperventilate. (I am SO serious. My crush on him is THAT pathetic.) But then Kathy Griffin went on, did two hours of the funniest shit I've ever heard in my life, and thank jeebus I didn't see Vos again on the way out. I couldn't have handled it. Am I a pussy? Should I have said hi? I mean, I really want to end up marrying him, but I think I might have crapped all over myself if I'd gotten within 5 feet of him.

C'mon, guys. If we all pool our contacts, we can get me a date with Vosovic, right? We TOTES can!! It's my American Dream!!

Fonda-ly, KEVIN :-)