The OC 2: Welcome to Lenox Hill, Bitch!!

by Guest Blogger "Roommate.", formerly of Popzilla fame.

I had zero interest in watching the premiere of "Gossip Girl", the show about privileged teenagers on the upper east side. Snore. Why would I want to watch that? This is the same reason I don't watch The Hills - I don't care, and girls like that are boring. If I wanted to watch a bunch of rich bitches be annoying, I'd go to martini bar on a Saturday. But I don't roll like that. Plus, at least the short-lived "Bedford Diaries" had added camp provided by a convoluted plot involving sex diaries. But what did this have? Shots of the Met? I've been there. And I don't give a shit.

Somehow, Kevin and our friend Leah convinced me to watch. Josh Schwartz (creator of the OC) is one of GG's executive producers. I was a huge OC fan (until the bitter, boring end) so I decided to watch.

And it turns out the plot is just as convoluted as the most unintentionally campy nighttime soaps! It's about a blog called gossip girl, written by a mysterious but omnipresent voice (Kristin Bell, slumming it) which narrates the episode. I guess the whole blog angle is what's got the critics all hot in the biscuit for this show. It's about the internet! It's so cutting edge! Everyone reads blogs! (You're even reading one now, get it?)

But in the end, GG is a total snoozefest. When a character bemoans "don't you ever feel like everything is already planned out for you?" you want to scream (and I did) at the screen, "YOU STOLE THAT FROM AN EPISODE OF SWAN'S CROSSING WHICH PROBABLY STOLE IT FROM SAL MINEO! GET SOME FUCKING NEW MATERIAL!"

Speaking of getting new material, Josh Schwartz hasn't. The cast of characters in GG are essentially rip-offs of characters from the OC, except you don't have a Ben McKenzie character punching everyone and being a good actor (seriously, I stand by that). Instead you have:

BLAKE LIVELY as Serena van der Woodsen (yes that's really her name) - the poor little rich girl who's trying to curb her wicked ways.


-AKA-

Mischa Barton as Marissa Cooper - the poor little rich girl who's trying to curb her wicked ways.


PENN BADGLEY (note: dreamy!) as Dan Humphrey - the oft-ignored geek (who's not so secretly hot) that has a crush on the popular girl.



-AKA-

Adam Brody as Seth Cohen - the oft-ignored geek (who's not so secretly hot) that has a crush on the popular girl.


LEIGHTON MEESLER as Blair Waldorf (salad?) - the popular girl who's a bitch, maybe just because she's a brunette.


-AKA-

Rachel Bilson as Summer Roberts - the popular girl who's a bitch, maybe just because she's a brunette.


ED WESTWICK as Chuck Bass - the ticking time bomb / would-be date rapist.


-AKA-

Taylor Handley as (the short-lived) Oliver Trask - the ticking time bomb / would-be date rapist.


Yup, I've seen this all before. And it's boring. It's as if Josh Schwartz just said "hey, let's just put the OC on the UES. That's all i got. Where's my check?"

It should be noted that the only somewhat original idea he presents in this episode is the concept of trading sexual favors for a grilled cheese sandwich cooked with truffle oil. I guess that's a new one.

But there is no social conflict as on the OC - no Ryan Atwood from Chino to rile things up. All we've got is the near constant threat of rape from this so-called "Chuck" and everyone taking out their blackberries every time Blake Lively enters a room. (Note: Blake Lively, at 20, is playing a high school student while the rest of her traveling pants sisters have either on-screen graduated from Yale or are helping to run Mode Magazine. I'm just saying).

Sure, it is hilarious that the whole plot hinges on the misguided concept that teenagers, as stupid as they are, would log onto a blog just to follow the life of Blake Lively, but come on. Where was I. Now there's more under-aged drinking going on? I'm sorry - I just dozed off.

I thought we might be getting close to something when "Nate" was about to confess to "Blair" why he felt apprehensive about having sex with her. I thought CLEARLY it would be because he was the gayest teenager on TV this side of Zac Efron. But no - the real secret is because he had exhibitionist sex with her best friend! Omg! Brb....wtf? IMHO (zzzz.......)

I think I'm going to sit this one out. As novel a concept of watching the OC do repertory theater in Gossip Girl might be, I'd rather just watch the original on syndication somewhere. It is on syndication right? If not, get Soap Net on the horn.