"I think I may be beginning to disappear..."

What? Julie, no. You will never disappear. You are a goddess, an icon, an Oscar winner (unless they find a way to go back and retroactively give your Oscar to an inconsequential pretty young thing slathering on fifteen pounds of latex to vaguely resemble a celebrity), and you are the eptiome of class and craft.

I really do think I'm too depressed and enraged by Marion Cotillard's Best Actress win to do an Academy Awards fashion recap. Truly- Worst. Oscar. Ever. I've been accused of hyperbole for saying this, so I'd love to explain why...

(ahem)

I'm not a performer, but if I were, I would find it wildly insulting that Hollywood seems to have such a poverty of imagination as to think that mimicking an existing person is the height of creativity. It's paint-by-numbers frivolity, whether it's Marion Cotillard doing it or Philip Seymour Hoffman or Reese Witherspoon or Cate Blanchett. Did she sound like Edith Piaf? Sure. Did she look like Edith Piaf. Sure, thanks to pounds of paint and tape. (And I WILL debate whether turning someone into Edith Piaf is more artistically significant or nuanced than turning Eddie Murphy into an obese lady.) But does screaming and fainting and lip-synching really represent the height of screen acting? FUCK no. And it certainly doesn't deserve the first Oscar ever awarded to a French language performance. I'm confident, in fact, that somewhere Catherine Deneuve is rolling over in the grave of good taste.

In ten years, at the 90th Academy Awards, there going to be doing one of those montages they're so fond of, reflecting on Best Actresses past, and Marion Cotillard will flash up there, and everyone will look at each other and say, "What? We have her one for that? Oooff. My B."

There. Now that I've gotten that off my chest, I might as well say that Leigh and I endorse Amy Adams and Helen Mirren for best dressed. (Sorry, I can't help myself!! I'm a slave to gowns!!)

Check it:



I mean, can we just agree that what we see here is existing and soon-to-be Hollywood royalty? I look at Helen Mirren, and I hear "Nobody Does It Better." I look at Amy Adams, and... Well, I just generally go a little ga-ga. I must have a think for redheads in green.

Also, Kristin Chenoweth is disgusting. Sorry, had to throw that in there.

OK. Time to go buy Dolly's new album on iTunes!

XOXO, Kevin!

PS- Now, I wish her nothing but the worst in life, but I will say this for Marion Cotillard's dress: I hated it. Now, there's a compliment in here somewhere, so bear with me. I thought her dress was ugly and ill-considered, but in a year with some of the boring-est red carpet fashions I've ever seen (even Tilda wore black!!), at least she stood out. It wasn't black or red, so bully for her. And her hair looked nice... Bitch.

See how I do...

BEST PICTURE- "No Country for Old Men"
BEST DIRECTOR(s)- Joel & Ethan Coen, "No Country for Old Men"
BEST ACTOR- Daniel Day-Lewis, "There Will Be Blood"
BEST ACTRESS- Julie Christie, "Away From Her" (Note: She'd fucking better...)
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR- Javier Bardem, "No Country for Old Men"
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS- Ruby Dee, "American Gangster"
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY- Diablo Cody, "Juno"
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY- Joel & Ethan Coen, "No Country for Old Men"
BEST ANIMATED FILM- "Ratatouille"
BEST DOCUMENTARY FILM- "No End In Sight"

OK, I'm dropping the "best"...
CINEMATOGRAPHY- "No Country for Old Men"
EDITING- "The Bourne Ultimatum"
COSTUME DESIGN- "Atonement"
ART DIRECTION- "There Will Be Blood"
SCORE- "Atonement"
SONG- "Falling Slowly" from "Once"
SOUND MIXING- "The Bourne Ultimatum"
SOUND EDITING- "The Bourne Ultimatum"
VISUAL EFFECTS- "Transformers"
MAKE-UP- "La Vie en Rose"

LIVE-ACTION SHORT- "Mozart of the Pickpockets"
ANIMATED SHORT- "Peter and the Wolf"
DOCUMENTARY SHORT- "Freeheld"

Whew.

Scattered thoughts...

Hey, all! So yeah. Leigh has it right. This is a busy, harrowing time of year, and our blog responsibilities got away from us. (I just sat here trying to think of a word mash-up for "blog" and "responsibility"... "responsiblogity" is just too affected...) Apologies all around.

As Leigh also noted, the Oscars are this Sunday, and I'm really wicked-super-killer excited. It's my favorite day of the year, after all. (Sidebar: We think Julie Christie's gonna win, right? That Edith Piaf cooze is making me nervous.) I'll be saluting the neo-Western in some sweet Brad Pitt garb. Fun times!

This is awesome:


Ugh. It's 10:19pm right now, which means I'm tired, and my brain is muddy with random thoughts. I should probably be, you know, cleaning my room, or donating money or time to a worthy cause, but all I want to do is focus on the new "Dancing with the Stars" contestants, if I'm being honest. One presumes you've all seen them by now, but if you haven't...

Adam CAROLLA- Former "Man Show" co-host and total douche.

Christian DE LA FUENTE- Random handsome Hispanic man, and likely good dancer.

Shannon ELIZABETH- That old lady from "American Pie." No, not Jennifer Coolidge. The ugly one.

Steve GUTTENBERG- God among men!!!

MARIO- I have no fucking clue. Some R&B guy, I guess? Whatever.

Marlee MATLIN- Deaf Oscar winner!

Penn JILLETTE- Father of Moxie Crimefighter Jillette.

Priscilla PRESLEY- Scary old icon.

Monica SELES- I had to look her up, but she's this famous tennis player, and there are two amazing facts about her: (1) She was once stabbed on the court by a crazed fan (!!), and (2) She had to battle the tennis powers that be to earn the right to grunt during a match. I mean... Wow.

Jason TAYLOR- I think he plays football. I know he's handsome.

Marissa Jaret WINOKUR- Fat lady. ("Why are you being so mean to Marissa Jaret Winokur?! She was so good in 'Fever Pitch!'- Roommate)

Kristi YAMAGUCHI- Skater, best known to me as having once been Mulan for a Disney on Ice special.

So yeah. That's that. One would presume that Kristi Yamaguchi has the advantage, right? I bet she can dance. I mean, she was a truly awesome Mulan. But I bet this heretofore-unknown Monica Seles character could do-it-to-it, right? I mean, if she had to battle to win the right to grunt on the tennis court, I bet she'll be viiiiiiiicious on the dancefloor. And this bitch got STABBED! That's nuts! She's a fucking pirate!

If I can be totally offensive for a moment (Uh oh...), are they shitting me with Marlee Matlin? I mean, Heather Mills was one thing, but MARLEE MATLIN CAN'T HEAR THE MUSIC. That just seems... Mean, I guess? And yes, I know "She's built her career on defying expectations," but so has Stephen Hawking, but that doesn't mean that I want to see his paso doble.

That's all for now.

Team Guttenberg,
KEVIN.

Oopsidaisies

I'd say about twice a year; this blog falls horribly to the wayside. It appears the first slip-up of '08 has commenced. J'apologize. But you know they'll be more on the way...because the most important night of the year in this blogosphere is just around the riverbend! That's right- Sunday is Oscar night, which means I have a costume title to defend and Kevin and I have some serious fashion blogging material again. Finally! Between that and the Project Runway Finale, I'd expect to hearing a lot from us in the near future. (Unless Rami wins, and then we'll be too angry to blog. Stop draping already you beast!)
Patience, dear hearts.
This blog will be fierce again in no time.

Civic Duty.

GET UP
AND
VOTE.

I'm not telling anyone who to vote for. (Not that I wouldn't I mean- hello- a blog is a soapbox if ever there was one.) While the management here at Kevin & Leigh's Sexy-Ass Blog may disagree on which candidate to support; we do agree that you should all be at the polls. Besides, there might not be a blog to read if we have to stomach another four years of a republican-controlled White House. Kevin and I will be too heavily medicated to type.
Let's get the ball rolling people.

The 2008 Screen Actors Guild Awards Fashion Recap

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS!! Did you watch the SAG Awards last night? No? You didn't? Oh. Well, that's OK. You can just watch the Oscars, when they're on-...

Oh, fuck!! There aren't going to be any Oscars this year! And there weren't any Golden Globes! There's been only one televised awards show recently, and you missed it. Oh, EFF. It sucks to be you!

Wait... Are you crying? Oh, honey. Please don't cry. It's OK. Seriously. No. C'mon. I promise. Oh, Jesus. If you can't stop crying, at least wipe your nose. Here, wait. I know what'll make you feel better. What if I give you a fashion recap of selected gowns, and we make fun of famous people? Doesn't that sound like fun? I mean, it's not going to be everybody. Let's not get carried away. But it'll be everyone that I (a) give a shit about, and (b) can steal free photos of from various websites. Sound cool?

See, you're feeling better already! SO LET'S GET STARTED!


Let's start off on a positive note- Christina Applegate, the first lady of American television comedy. She is gorgeous. She always looks gorgeous. She is remarkable, lovely, and talented. I adore everything about her, as well as this look. Fuck, this one was really boring.

And now on to some more interesting ones...


Jane Krakowski's totally making a play to be the new Morgan Fairchild! I don't really get that as a life goal, but whatever floats your boat. The top of this dress looks like it was made out of these little bedazzled fruits that my mother likes to buy at Treasure Island. A most unusual store? A most repulsive dress.


Viggo Mortensen is a Romanian count? What?? Who knew. Oh, well. I'd still battle him in the steamroom anyway, if you know what I mean. (I mean buttsex.)


Oh, now HERE we go. (Cracking my knuckles.) Debra Messing's all dolled up for 70's Vegas lounge act! Well, let me clue you in, sweetheart. The Stardust got torn down, and it's a crying shame your shiteous dress wasn't in it at the time. Go away. You're depressing.


Sandra Oh's dress makes it look like her boobs are partially wearing a tie. Sandra Oh's boobs are partially a gentleman.


I don't know what to say about the Jolie-Pitts these days. (Except that AJ was robbed of an Oscar nod!! Laura Linney? Pho. Ning. It. In.) Her dress- which I guess kind of looks like tie-dyed diarrhea, I suppose- does nothing to dispel the pregnancy rumors, but nor does it do anything to dispel the fact that they're the most generous, philanthropic, and inspiring couple in the entertainment industry, so... There. Suck it, haters!!


Can every couple (including Brangelina) age into people so awesome as Hal Holbrook and Dixie Carter? They're my TomKat. My Benniffer. My Diggs-Menzels. (Note to self: Wear more white scarves with eveningwear.)


OH, MICHELLE. You're too perfect for words, photographs, or my eyes!! I can't even comment on you, you're so flawless. It's like how really religious Jews write God "G-D," because they're not even good enough to say the name. From now on, I'm calling you "Mi--he-le Pf--ffe-."


I know that Tilda Swinton is supposed to be some kind of a high-concept art project that I'm too dumb to get, but sometimes it makes me so happy, and sometimes it's an uninspired, sloppy metallic lounge suit. (Didn't Nick Verreos get kicked off Project Runway for making a suit that looked like this?) Go back to making real movies, you once-respectable semi-insane sometimes-genius!


Relatively speaking, he's new to the red carpet scene, so let's all cut Zac Efron some slack. You're a pretty, pretty doll princess, Zac. We promise. Keep up the good work.


Maybe all of her fashion sense has gone to her gestating Oscar- WHOOPS! I mean Fetus!- but Cate Blanchett looks like a Laura Ashley paintball target. Unacceptable. "I too can command busy patterns, sir! I shall steal all your gown's bric-a-brack if you dare to try me!"


Oh, Jenna Fisher. Oh no. Oh merciful Jesus. Oh... CHRIST. I mean, I'm in different to boobs, generally speaking, but this bitch must hate hers. Is that armor? Was she in 300?


Leave it to Platinum Fox Julie Christie to show up Tilda in the "Lady In Pants" contest. Yes, JC is gorgeous. Yes, JC won a well-deserved trophy, and is on her way to an equally well-deserved Oscar. Yes, she is hot as the flaming surface of the sun at age 67. (Is G.I.L.F. a working acronym?) But what really drives me mad with desire is how much I want my hair to look exactly like hers. I'm buying an at-home perm kit right now! I'm gettin' me a Marcel Wave, and it's all thanks to you, Julie!!


Here we have current Oscar nominee (and apparently-famous-in-France person) Marion Cotillard. She played Edith Piaf moderately well in some fucking lame movie, but she's actually really pretty in real life, so I'm apparently supposed to give a shit about her. Whatever. This dress is nice. And what you can't see is that her hair was full of glitter. So mad respect for that.


And finally, and with all due exaltation and worship, for the second time at a major awards show, Leigh and I crown Ugly Betty's America Ferrera as Best Dressed of the night. Yay!! This lace-y one-shouldered number was pure understated Hollywood glamour, and it brought out the natural glow of primetime TV's hottest ingenue. Well done, America!! (Oh my god, when was the last time you heard us say that?!)

OK. This has been an insane amount of fun, and while we hope we get to do it again soon... We're not holding our breath. And so we say to you, until we get to harshly judge women's personal fashion choices again... Godspeed and good luck.

In the Holy Name of Ruby Dee,
KEVIN (and, by proxy, Leigh)

How can a commercial make me so sad?

Maybe it's the fact that I want a dog so badly.
Maybe it's the soothing sound of David Duchovny's voice.
Who knows. But every time this Pedigree ad comes on, I have to fight tears.
I would totally adopt Echo. Wouldn't you?

p.s.-In happier news, tonight is the LAST TIME Dubya gets to address the State of our Union. Gas prices spiraling out of control. Economy on the brink of recession. Should be a good one.
p.p.s- Don't worry- Kevin's on SAG awards duty.
Mickey Rooney,
L

And You Thought Hannah Montana was a Hot Ticket

Ladies and germs- the zeitgeist of Joe Iconis has reached a fever pitch. After selling out a four-show run, he had to add a midnight show on Sat, to meet fan demand. Like he is Miley Cyrus.It appears there are two Joes. First, there is the Joe Iconis with whom I share the more-than-occasional drink. The Joe Iconis who loves my parents' dog.The Joe Iconis who communicates almost exclusively via text message. Our friend Joe. And then there is JOE ICONIS-winner of awards, singer of songs, pied-piper of musical theatre- leading a band of teenage white girls 'round the interwebs. I mean, we have always loved Joe. Now we have to share him. With five sold out shows worth of people. It's fantastic! I mean, the breadth of his wikipedia article alone is rather impressive. But then you add in the reviews. And the Youtube videos. And the girl who almost pushed me down the stairs of the theatre last night screaming "I WAS IN LINE TO SEE JOE BEFORE YOU!!!" It's crazy like a fox. I said to Kevin that I think we are fast becoming"The Liv Tyler to his Christina Applegate's ex-husband". It's not that we haven't seen this coming since, oh 1989. Maybe it's because I was out of town for years, who knows. It's just that last night, it was right in front of me. And it's a delight.

Better Get to Birthdayin'!

As I've done for the past two years, I want to take a brief pause on January 19th to salute the birthday of America's greatest musical treasure, Dolly Rebecca Parton. She's 62 years old today, and she's soon to be back on top of the pop culture universe in a big way- February sees the release of her new album, Backwoods Barbie (though I'm sure everyone is already familiar with the brilliant single "Better Get to Livin'" and the ensuing music video, which is one of Dolly's best ever). Later on this year, she's taking the stage version of 9 to 5, for which she's written a new songs, to the Ahmanson Theatre in LA (Note to Leah: When this happens, I'll be sleeping on your couch), before bringing said show to New York next spring.

So 2008 is going to be very Partoncentric. And I couldn't be happier. I already have my seats to see The Lady at her March 7th Radio City show, and I'm fully counting the seconds til then.

In honor of this earthly goddess, and in celebration of how America seems to be remembering just how indispensable an icon she is, please enjoy the below YouTubes. This is a small collection of some of my favorite Dolly duets. Note how she makes artists look more relevant and attractive just by being near them.









Yours in Parton,
KEVIN xoxo