by guest blogger Popzilla
Well the Iowa Caucus was last night, and forecasts for November are already being made. Sure, it's months away, and this caucus is about as telling as winning an award from the Hollywood Foreign press, but some things are certainly becoming clear.
Oprah is truly the kingpin we have all known her to be. She has already ruined the beef industry, a non-fiction writer's career, and Broadway, so why not Hillary Clinton's campaign? Check! But what Oprah needs to realize is that if Obama gets the nomination (shudder!), she is going to have to face a competitor who has never been beaten. I am referring, of course, to none other than Chuck Norris.
The kick-fighting, action jean wearing former "Texas Ranger" has been hard campaigning for Republican candidate Mike Huckabee. And no one has ever seen Chuck Norris lose. He was seen last night during Huckabee's speech (after a nine-point victory over Mitt Romney) with his wife Gina ( a dead ringer for Candice Cayne, btw) and it looks like Chuck is in it to win it.
Now in a perfect world, he would reek havok on the Obama campaign, kicking Oprah and Barack down (and Jay Leno while he's at it, please?), jeopardizing Huckabee's own campaign, whilst Hillary ascends to her rightful place in the White House.
But kick-fighting or not, I think we need to all start being very scared of Mike Huckabee. Not just because of his Republican politics (hating gays, liking bibles, being obese at least once). Here's why:
- He started his career as a Southern Baptist minister.....he believes in creationism....and Biblical inerrancy. In other words, he's ready to inherit the wind. In the classroom. Hide your children.
- In 1992, he wanted to put a quarantine on AIDS patients, adding, "homosexuality is an aberrant, unnatural, and sinful lifestyle, and we now know it can pose a dangerous public health risk."
- When he was governor of Arkansas, he pardoned a convicted rapist who later raped and murdered another woman. Seriously!
- He is a bass player in the political band, Capitol Offense. And as we all know, chicks dig bass players.
Scared enough yet? This man could be president. Or Vice President under Mitt Romney, who ain't much better.
Time to take back the country kids.
Or threaten to move to Canada, again.
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