"Well, anyone would look skinny next to a Lion..."

88 HOURS IN VEGAS WITH LETHAL AND THE GAYRAB

TAKE A DEEP BREATH KIDS...HERE IT COMES:

1. Arrive at airport early to find flight delayed and no gay magazines featuring The Rock available for purchase. Resolve to have a drink in airport bar.
2. Board plane to find that it serves Pepsi products and offers no inflight entertainment. Inflight entertainment becomes stories of Gayrab's father running away from hellbent camels in his youth in Morocco.
3. Cab line in Vegas approx. 4 years long. Arrive at The Excalibur at approach. 4am DC time. See giant purple dragon and have hotel personnel call you "lord and Lady" feel the tiredness melt away. We love the Excalibur!
4. See room, complete with view of parking lot, bloodstained carpet and non-draining shower. We loathe the Excalibur!
5. Ignore accommodations by becoming acquainted with slot machines. This will be the beginning of a whirlwind friendship (a friendship which basically ends with the friend stealing your wallet and calling you stupid, but it was fun while it lasted...) Eat breakfast at the Sherwood Forrest Cafe before retiring circa 7am
6. Arise! Vegas awaits! Enter NewYork NewYork to discover that tavern on the green has become a place for high stakes slots, the only subway is at Christopher street, and somehow Broadway intersects with not only west end Ave, but the Brooklyn bridge as well. Discover that Coyote Ugly offers 15 kinds of frozen alcohol 24 hours a day. (even if it is served by the most busted looking woman alive. I'm not kidding. Small children would run in fear)
7. Discover; at the exact same time; the availability of souvenir beverage cups filled with aforementioned frozen alcoholic beverages, and the fact that Vegas has no open container laws. This means one can stroll from The Paris to Ceasers whilst sipping strawberry Margarita out of a giant plastic Eiffel tower. Wow. (This is the part where I'd like to note that mike talked me out of going to Harrah's to purchuse a soviener glass that was purple, 4 feet long, and got strapped to your back like a cross-bow. sad) Total sovinier cups purchused: 5 total frozen beverages consumed: sometwhere in the neighborhood of 18, not counting the dollar margaritas at the Boardwalk
8. Introduce Mike to the buffet concept at The Aladdin. (which says "In the Sea of Buffets, we're the Killer Whale") Mike eats his weight in King Crab while leigh tries to climb out from under a vat of chocolate mousse.
9. Studio 54. dance dance revolution ensues. The Gayrab and Lethal tear the shit out of the dancefloor for 3 hours; fueled by jello shots and jagermeister.
10. Wander into photbooth. makeout for the camera. stumble to foodcourt. eat. stumble home. mike finds second food court. eat more. Return to new room with view of strip and no bodily fluid stains!
11. Wake with a fervor in order to have champagne brunch. Line for champagne brunch is nearly 2 hours. Eat crepes and drink giant rootbeer in defeat. sulk and drink frozen alcohol.
12. Realize it is 70 degrees and sunny. take frozen alcohol outside and stroll to Venice; where a story involving long-distance romance is concocted for romantic gondola ride. Kiss under a bridge. Hott.
13. Vegas is beginning to catch up with us...we're fading...only an 8 dollar bottle of champagne and some scary salsa music can revive us. take tram to luxor where the slot machines are COLD. Continue on to Mandalay Bay where they are slightly warmer...
14. Is it Monday? wow. Is it also 75 degrees out? Crazy! go to MGM where Lions are sleeping on plastic suspension bridges. Have photo taken with baby Lion. Leigh can now not stop saying "but mike, we touched a baby lions bum!"
15. Sip Coronas while lounging in the sunshine of the Excalibur pool area. Solice is often innterupted by announcement that lords and ladies are needed in poker room for no-limit hold 'em.
16. Dine in splendor at the Belliagio. View famous fountain. Maybe tear up a little...
17. TOM JONES.WOW. The man is so Tangerine that the whites of his eyes glow. Women throw underwear. A man from Poland throws a tie while screaming "greatest singer in the world!!!" Tom covers prince and tells us he jsut cut an album with Wyclef. He may be swaeting like robin williams during an HBO special, but the man is giving 200%. Trying to figure out how a man old enough tobe my grandfather can oooze sex. wrong. v. wrong.
18. High on Tom fumes, we return to the Bellagio and gamble away the contents of our wallets on high stakes war. drink drink drink. strut on the strip in our matching orange ensembles. At one point a 15 year old baby momma yells "slut," some frat boys whistle, and a man with 4 teeth and a mullet tells us we are "lookin'good. stylin!" Mission accomplished.
19. Wake up. check out. eat lunch outdoors in the sunshine and visit the slots one last time. discover flight is delayed...
20. Board plane in a huff. Then discover we are flying over Grand Canyon. Beautiful!
21. VIVA LAS VEGAS