The Three Horsemen of the KevinFeelsFat-alypse

Dear Readers,

Three events have occurred that are causing me to alter my longheld worldview that the planet Earth is really a lovely place, and that if mean, ugly people would stop, ya know, beating up black people, let me get married, stop making Mike go to law school, and stop telling Janet Jackson's nipples that there's something wrong with them (I hear they're starting to get a complex), then we could all live in harmony and smart cocktails.

I no longer think this is so. I think we live in a hateful snatch-pit of a world, with all the charm and character of bongwater.

The three events that have led me to this place:

(1) CONDOLEEZZA RICE VISITS FRANCE
Now, I am firmly on the record of thinking that CondieRice should be slapped in the face my a single white glove until she apologizes for being an asshole. But now she's gone to France, spouting a message that amounts to "Hey, you didn't want to join us before in our crusade for global domination, but we forgive you." YOU FORGIVE THEM!??!?!?!?! Oh. My. God. I don't see France forgiving you for wearing that fucking wig or for not getting your teeth fixed or for being a hateful, lying asscreature. So don't return the favor. But do ME the favor of dying.

(2) LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE OF "WIFE SWAP"
Oy. Oh my god. OK... So, I have never liked "Wife Swap," as I simply think the idea of taking one woman and thrusting her into someone else's home for the purpose of watching her look uncomfortable is just plain cruel. And what's worse, it's boring. No one ever learns anything. They never come out better people. Nothing happens, and to boot, it's a pretty poorly-produced TV show (let's just say that it has no suave host, or Ann Hampton Callway-penned jingle). Well, last night's episode wanted to change all that. They wanted to swap this conservative Christian lady with one half of a suburban lesbian couple. On the surface, this has Kevin Manganaro Cryfest written all over it. But no. What it does have written all over it is "GROSS." I'll elaborate. Firstly, as expected, the Christian lady (uumm... by the by, both she and the lezzie they swapped were named Kris... frustrating) was totally mean and completely unacceptable. She called them "deviants," said that they were "just shacking up," and was afraid that Kris #2 would molest her daughter in her home. What I did not expect was that she was black. So good for her (although, shame on her for rejecting some really easy parallels about her being married to a white man). Anyway, OH MY GOD, we are undergoing the Gay Marriage Crisis in this country, and they pick this lesbian couple to represent us!??!?!? I don't even remember the name of the one who stayed in the house, but she was ridiculous!!! She didn't do a damn thing; she was completely fucking lazy and treated Christian Kris like a slave! She totally gave the impression that she would be with whoever... man, woman, robot... if they could take care of her and let her continue to be worthless. And then Butchie Kris, in the Christian home, came in with a message of "These kids need to have some fun!!" I'm sorry, but this isn't "Patch Adams" and you're not Robin Williams, you fucking tool. Lesbian #1 is a lazy ass (who tries to make the 8 year old daughter dig holes for her... NOT COOL) and Lesbian #2 is a wishy-washy loser, so of course no one's minds get changed. What a fucking waste of a good opportunity. Infuriating.

(3) THE ENGAGEMENT OF PRINCE CHARLES & CAMILLA PARKER-BOWLES
Whoa. These two fuckwads are right up there with CondieRice, I think. I have oft described Camilla as "a belipsticked Chupacabra," and now it seems more apt then ever. He's a self-entitled playboy (and worst of all, a repulsive one) and she's what my father's side of the family would call a "hoo-er" ("Whore" to my ango-saxon friends). Luckily, though, there's this hilarious tidbit from the Times... If and when Prince Charles becomes king, Mrs. Parker Bowles will be called the Princess Consort. PRINCESS CONSORT. Oh my god. Maybe this isn't so bad after all.

Love to all,
KEVIN :-)

PS- Leigh, you post below completely makes me feel better. It also makes me feel like a natural woman. Thanks!!

PPS- Indeed, when Mike goes to Paris, I too will go. OY. I'm seasick already. What? We get to fly? OH COOL. No more steamships!! Sweet!! Though I'll miss my friends in steerage.