So, last night my lovely roommates and I (along with our friend Kim, filling in for the gayrab) attended the National Symphony Orchestra's Christmas concert. Now, I know, you're thinking "oh, that sounds nice!" therefore, I am forced to bring you:
THE TOP TEN REASONS TO FEAR CHRISTMAS SHOWS:
10- Number of small children in velvet holiday attire? Thousands.
9-Your seats are in a row that forces you watch the show as though it was passing scenery on a train ride.
8- Mrs. Claus sings a Jazz number about her woeful life
7- 11 year old star search reject (in aforementioned velvet holiday attire) belts out a painful rendition of "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" you might hope this is the last you'll see of her. You'd be wrong.
6- Two words: Marvin. Hamlisch. winning an Oscar and being BFFs with Barbara Streisand does NOT give you the right to bogart the microphone and talk about how your childhood for fifteen minutes.
5-Star search reject: round two. Now she's backed-up by a gospel choir!
4- Old white choir from Virginia attempting to clap with gospel choir proves that white men have NO rhythm.
3- Sing-Along. At the freaking Kennedy Center!
2- Santa Claus arrives. (Finally!) With Rudolph? No. WITH A CHRISTMAS LLAMA! Apparently, the animal wranglers were fresh out of reindeer and they just assumed no one would question the replacement. WRONG.
And the number one reason to fear Christmas shows....
1-you now have to watch Marvin Hamlisch lead Santa, Mrs. Claus, some elves, the star search reject, the gospel choir, the white choir, the National Symphony Orchestra and one very scared and confused looking llama in a stunning rendition of the "Hallelujah Chorus" from Handel's Messiah.
SIGH.
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